The Beatles were really on to something. That's a statement I hadn't considered would ever leave my mouth. Not because the Beatles weren't amazing in their own right, but because they're really not my vibe. But listen to these words:
What would you think if I sang out of tune?
Would you stand up and walk out on me?
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song
And I'll try not to sing out of key
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends
I think most people would agree that we find out who our real friends are when the going gets rough. Well guess what? The going has been rough for seven, going on eight months now. We are collectively, as the world, as a society, as individuals going through the rough times. Add on the unique individual stressful situations each of us have to deal with and it's a wonder any of us manage to get out of bed in the morning.
I believe that we all go through seasons of life. Some are short and some are long. We meet people along the way and most stay for just the season. Some stay for a couple season. But still yet, some stay for a lifetime. That's not to say we meet the "lifers" in childhood, but that they are in our lives forever from the moment we meet. As we have all been going through this season of social disconnect, I've been reflecting a lot on my relationships. I thought I'd share a few of my thoughts so far.
I have been both profoundly hurt and blessed by the relationships I have had the privilege to have over the years. Some of those seasonal relationships can be really painful when they end. Even in the most casual of friendships you give of yourself. I don't just mean you give of your time or resources, but you give of YOURSELF. Every time we form a new relationship we give a little piece of ourselves to that person to have. To care for. To love. And they do the same. As you get closer to those people, you give a little more and it feels fantastic to be seen and accepted by people as they come to really know you. Which means if that ends, it is incredibly painful too.
So why do we subject ourselves to this kind of pain? We do it because, in the words of one of the people I admire most, Brene Brown, "We are wired for connection and belonging." We are made to be in relationship with each other. Without it, we would literally die. So, while we need each other, we have this penchant for hurting each other, too. A lot of my work as a clinical psychologist is focused on working with people who have experienced interpersonal violence and trauma. Essentially, we can hurt each other so badly, that it causes a level of distress and distrust that takes a great deal of time and hard work to undo. So again, I'll ask, why do we do it to ourselves?
We do it because, even though we can profoundly wound each other, we can also heal one another. What do I mean? I mean that most times the most powerful force of healing for people who have been hurt by others is finding a person who is able to bear witness to the pain we have experienced. To sit in the suck with us. To be able to tell someone else how deeply you've been hurt and have them not turn away is HUGE. In this simple act of presence, we tell that person who has been hurt, "I am here with you. I can handle this pain. I'm sorry you had to go through that alone, but I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere."
As I get older and find some of these people who can be with me in the highs and lows of life I am so incredibly thankful. While it took some painful moments to get here, I wouldn't trade them for the world because it wouldn't have led me here, to my people. When I'm struggling, my close friends, my people, are always quick to support me. Honestly, I have been in awe of their desire to know the harder things, the painful things. But I've come to understand they want to hear those things, because they love me, even the hard parts of me. I am so thankful for my friends who have supported me better than I deserve. The ones who send me flowers after a hard day. Who send little cards to remind me they're always close. Who want you to run errands with them just to spend time together. Who answer the phone when you want to catch up or text you for hours about random things. Who send you little videos of their new daughter.
Friendship is hard in adulthood because you don't get to see your friends every day at school like when we are children. Some don't even live in the same town, state, or country. But above all, it's just hard to meet people who you can really connect with as an adult. I've been truly lucky to meet some of my dearest friends in adulthood. If you haven't found them yet, don't give up looking for your people. You might find them in graduate school while you waste time between classes or at work when you're so stressed you can't think straight. Maybe you'll meet in college in a random dining hall or you'll meet the first night you become roommates. Maybe you meet them when you sit down in their chair at the hair salon or you and a big group of mutual friends meet at the rec to go bowling. The point is, your people are out there just waiting to be found. To my people who I've found so far, I am tremendously blessed by you. You mean the world to me. Thank you. For those who may still be out there, I can't wait to meet you.
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